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5g causes Coronavirus

Experts on the internet have confirmed that 5g is the cause of the novel Coronavirus. Researches around the world pooled their talents and, we’re able to prove that every time someone makes a phone call using 5g, an elderly person with underlying health conditions dies of Covid-19. Dave Cullings from Portsmouth who works in a […]

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Survivors bored of the apocalypse already

A poll of Covid-19 survivors found that 93.24% of people are already bored of the apocalypse. The survey which polled 3.2bn people, mostly in countries inflicted with the deadly new coronavirus was carried out by Morris-Ipsos. “I really thought it would be more action-packed than this” Dave Woodwood 29 from Southend told us. He went […]

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Readers coronavirus worries

We asked our readers to write in with their biggest worry about Coronavirus. Here’s what they said: Serena from South Ken: I’ll run out of Netflix tv series to binge, then how will I chill? Delia from Camberwell: What if toilet paper isn’t edible after all?  Tarquin from Chelsea: The Captain of my private yacht […]

NEW YORK, NY - MARCH 4:  A Yeshiva student wears a face mask on the grounds of the university on March 4, 2020 in New York City. A Yeshiva student has tested positive for Covid-19. The student's father was the second person to test positive for Covid-19 in New York and is currently hospitalized. (Photo by David Dee Delgado/Getty Images)

Coronavirus advice for shul-goers:

As we enter a dangerous phase in the spread of Coronavirus with many Jewish communities being in heavily affected areas, we have put together some top tips for staying safe in shul. Do not share Tallitot as it can pass the virus, in fringe cases. When you get to shul, and you wish people a […]

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Heineken Virus has led to zero deaths so far

Following the news announced last week that Heineken are launching their own virus to compete with Corona, initial testing has shown the zero % fatality rate. The team at Heineken labs have been injecting test patients with 200ml of Heineken a day and other than some sickness and headaches, the virus has yet to cause […]

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Man celebrates completing diet after skipping one meal

David Jason (44) from Hendon, London, is holding a small celebration this weekend to mark the completion of his first diet in 17 years. David told his friends of his relief at being able to eat normally again. “Yesterday I skipped lunch but today I’m really happy I can eat as much as I like […]

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New Smartwatch ensures you’re always fashionably late

A new smartwatch has been released by Frapple that claim to make geeks 10% ‘hipper’. The watch which has a calendar feature has a variable clock on it which is never 100% right. Watch designer Gerhart Twohands told the Daily Jews that the concept is to confuse users into being late. “I used to set […]

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Report: Consuming water addictive

A new report out from the Ministry of Brexit Obfuscation has found that drinking water is highly addictive. The report used existing data sets around the world, which showed that humans get addicted to water at a very young age. Report writer Bernard Resevour told a packed audience that this problem is more severe than […]

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UN report shows vegan diet contributes to climate change

A new report out today from the UN working group on climate change includes previously unknown data relating to methane emissions. It is well established that vegan food sources have a considerably lower carbon footprint than omnivorous diets. This is down to land, water and food requirements for cattle. Now the scientists have factored in […]

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Scientists invent time travel to kill composer of Hava Nagila

A small team of scientists from the Technion (Institute of Technology) in Israel have invented time travel. The team conceived the project as a way of going back in time to kill Hitler. However, they decided a more pressing matter was to kill the composer of Hava Nagila before it was written. In 2014 Hava […]

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