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UN report shows vegan diet contributes to climate change

A new report out today from the UN working group on climate change includes previously unknown data relating to methane emissions.

It is well established that vegan food sources have a considerably lower carbon footprint than omnivorous diets. This is down to land, water and food requirements for cattle.

Now the scientists have factored in the number of farts produced by vegan (and vegetarian) diets.

Vegans produce four times the amount of bottom-burps as meat-eaters. This additional gas is equal to flying around the world 17 times a year. Or eating 1000 cheeseburgers a year.

A spokesperson for Vegans Against Flamptulance, Shawn Guffer, told us: “We’ve been working on this problem for several years. Previously the issue was the high divorce rates among vegans who are married to omnivores. Most meat-eaters can’t handle the putrid smells.

With the new data, we’ve redoubled our efforts towards finding a solution. Our R&D department is now developing a device that would capture farts and store them safely.”

The device, known as the Containment Unit, would store all the farts centrally in a facility in downtown New York. Opponents to the project including Dr Pete Venkman, argue that with the increasing rate of new vegans, the Containment Unit could explode, causing a global apocalyptic event.

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