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Greggs new vegan product – including pork pie flavoured vitamins

After the success of its first vegan product, the Vegan Sausage roll, Greggs had promised it was working on a new line of vegan products for poor vegans who can’t afford real food. Greggs is known for its cheap traditional English food that working-class people can enjoy. Last year they made record profits from selling […]

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Climate change activist arrested for giving a shit

Derek Hampton from Hampton was this morning arrested by police at Trafalgar Square in London on charges of ‘protesting in favour of the survival of the human race’. The arrest follows a crackdown against climate change protestors who have been disrupting the public order according to Metropolitan Police head Steve Bastard. “We, of course, support […]

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Jesus facial reconstruction created based on new DNA evidence

We can report an amazing advancement of our understanding of history and religion. Scientists have been able to extract DNA from an ossuary identified as the burial place of Jesus Christ, that famous guy from Church. In an interview with the Daily Jews, chief scientist Dr Sarah Skidlededoop detailed how Jesus would have looked based […]

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Paralysed man: My Robot exoskeleton sucks

Thibault (30) was able to move his four limbs for the first time in two years after an accident left him paralysed. The feat was achieved through mind control following an operation to install robot sensors to his brain. In an exclusive interview, Thibault told us how he prepared for the procedure. “When the University […]

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Thomas Cook CEO: I can’t believe people bought our shit holidays for this long

CEO of failed tour operator Thomas Cook, Craig Rippoff, told the press this week that the whole business was a waste of time since the internet came along. “Anyone who can use google can create their own package holiday for half the price these days. It’s amazing that we got away with selling this overprice […]

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Parliament to resume from Prison tomorrow

Boris Johnson has announced this afternoon that following the ruling that his prorogation of Parliament was unlawful, Parliament will sit again with the first session at Wandsworth Prison. “Given that I and my cabinet have broken the law, we’ve asked the speaker to recall Parliament tomorrow but to sit in prison.” Mr Johnson told the […]

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Report: Consuming water addictive

A new report out from the Ministry of Brexit Obfuscation has found that drinking water is highly addictive. The report used existing data sets around the world, which showed that humans get addicted to water at a very young age. Report writer Bernard Resevour told a packed audience that this problem is more severe than […]

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Tube seat wants right to die

A seat on the Northern Line of the London Underground which has gained sentience has expressed the wish to die this week. Dave (not his real name) spoke to the Daily Jews anonymously in the hope that the plight of sentient tube seats will become a public issue. “I was an inanimate object for the […]

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Hair fetishist Hairdresser wins award

Dandy Footloose (33), a hairdresser from Sutton, has won an award for hairdressing innovation. In an extensive interview with the Daily Jews, Mr Footloose explained to us how he decided to become a hairdresser when he was 16 after realising he was sexually attracted to hair. “It started when my friend Andre asked me to […]

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World hipster council rules beards no longer hip

The international council for hipsters and beatniks (founded in 1965) has announced this week that beards are no longer in fashion. The council which has delegates from 45 countries meets annually to discuss if something is ironic enough. There are then votes to decide what the global community should be wearing, owning and doing to […]

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