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Tube seat wants right to die

A seat on the Northern Line of the London Underground which has gained sentience has expressed the wish to die this week. Dave (not his real name) spoke to the Daily Jews anonymously in the hope that the plight of sentient tube seats will become a public issue. “I was an inanimate object for the […]

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Hair fetishist Hairdresser wins award

Dandy Footloose (33), a hairdresser from Sutton, has won an award for hairdressing innovation. In an extensive interview with the Daily Jews, Mr Footloose explained to us how he decided to become a hairdresser when he was 16 after realising he was sexually attracted to hair. “It started when my friend Andre asked me to […]

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World hipster council rules beards no longer hip

The international council for hipsters and beatniks (founded in 1965) has announced this week that beards are no longer in fashion. The council which has delegates from 45 countries meets annually to discuss if something is ironic enough. There are then votes to decide what the global community should be wearing, owning and doing to […]

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Man breaks record for longest time sitting on a toilet

A Jewish man from Manchester has this week broken the world record for sitting on the toilet attempting to go. Hymie Hoffman (62) from Prestwich sat on the toilet for five days without a break according to Nigel Nostril from the Guinness Book of Records. “For five days I lived on the toilet, I ate […]

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Local churchgoers shocked to discover Jesus was Jewish

Congregants of a local Church of England parish in Swinford, Kent, are in collective shock after their priest informed them that Jesus was actually Jewish. Reverend Richard Dingsbottom, who has served the parish for over 40 years, told the Daily Jews he couldn’t hide the truth from his flock any longer. “I was reading a […]

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Why London bus drivers fall asleep at the wheel

A new report has shown that 1 in 6 London bus drivers have fallen asleep at the wheel within the last year.   We decided to ask seven bus drivers whose names begin with S, why this is happening: Sandeep from Ilford: I had a passenger who wouldn’t stop talking, she was so dull it sent […]

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Mothers demand the right to return faulty children

A group of Mothers are demanding changes to the trade descriptions act that would allow them to return faulty children within 14-years of giving birth. The group called ‘My child is a little shit’, is campaigning to force hospitals to take back children. They also demand the hospitals offer a full refund (of the costs […]

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Man decides to prorogue mother-in-law

A man from Newcastle has announced to the UK media that he will be proroguing his mother-in-law. Derek Pardon (41) told the Daily Jews that he was expecting the “old bat” to die in a few weeks anyway but is too busy preparing for the aftermath that he would be proroguing the relationship. “In effect, […]

A slightly less cute puppy that Charlie.  The original photo could not be used due to the health hazard.

Cute puppy causes owners eyes to explode

Rob Ponim (45) from Jewtown Road in Stanmore took Charlie the puppy (3 weeks) home as a gift for his wife and children.  He told the Daily Jews: “Everything was fine until I looked at him for  15 seconds without blinking. My eyes started itching. I thought maybe I was allergic. Blood was leaking down my cheeks, but I […]

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Jewish Chronicle too expensive for some antisemites

For many people in the UK Jewish community, the Jewish Chronicle is a Shabbat treat. But spare a thought for people who can’t afford it and have to use regular toilet paper. The problem is worse for thousands of poorer antisemites across the UK who rely on the Jewish Chronicle to spin their conspiracy theories […]

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