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BoD advising PM on taking confused immoral leadership stands

Reports have emerged this morning that Board of Deputies president, Marie van der Something has been coaching Boris Johnson over the Cummings Covid-19 debacle. Mr Cummings is the senior advisor to Boris Johnson and masterminded his unlikely win over Jeremy Corbyn at the general election in 2019. He was recently caught breaking the lockdown rules […]

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Covid19: Ministers told to curb their charisma in daily briefings

Downing Street advisors have warned the Prime Minister that the daily Covid-19 briefings presented by senior ministers may be too charismatic, according to a leak from Number 10. The unnamed advisors are reportedly concerned that the public may be misled into thinking the government gives a shit about people, which could be why the Tories […]

Piers Corbyn arrested for being a nutter

Cable Street descendants immune from racism and being bonkers

Following the arrest this weekend of conspiracy nut and Piers Corbyn, brother of former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, the Institute for Baseless Studies (or IBS) has released its long-awaited report on the descendants of people who fought the fascists at Cable Street. The Battle Cable Street was fought in the east end of London by […]

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Pornhub staff given ‘key worker’ status

As the lockdown continues to bite and the prospect of a complete reversal looking less likely this year, the UK government has issued new advice designating Pornhub staff, and it’s content creators ‘key worker’ status. The upgraded status will mean that Pornhub staff and creators will be allowed to leave the house to do their […]

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Covid19: Highgate man distraught he has to shop in Tesco

A man from Highgate, who has asked not to be named for fear of retribution by his neighbours, has spoken of the pain he has felt in having to shop in Tesco due to the pandemic. The man told us he has been shopping at Waitrose and Marks and Spencer for his groceries for the […]

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Nations pets going ‘doolally’ over lockdown

An investigation by the Daily Jews has found that pets around the UK are going doolally during the lockdown. 89% of dogs we surveyed, 65% cats and 50% of Gerbils reported they we’re sick and tired of seeing their owners 24×7. Ronny the Rotweiller told us he loved his owner but really wants him to […]

virus

5g causes Coronavirus

Experts on the internet have confirmed that 5g is the cause of the novel Coronavirus. Researches around the world pooled their talents and, we’re able to prove that every time someone makes a phone call using 5g, an elderly person with underlying health conditions dies of Covid-19. Dave Cullings from Portsmouth who works in a […]

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Survivors bored of the apocalypse already

A poll of Covid-19 survivors found that 93.24% of people are already bored of the apocalypse. The survey which polled 3.2bn people, mostly in countries inflicted with the deadly new coronavirus was carried out by Morris-Ipsos. “I really thought it would be more action-packed than this” Dave Woodwood 29 from Southend told us. He went […]

Birthday Song

Coronavirus: Happy Birthday infringes copyright, say Warner Bros

Warner Bros, the owner of the copyright on the song Happy Birthday, has issued a cease and desist order to members of the public who sing Happy Birthday twice while washing their hands. The letter sent to all homes in the UK states “playing the tune back in your head is allowed, but singing it […]

virus

Jews 100x more likely to suffer from coronavirus panic

A survey by Morris-Ipsosovich has found that Jews in the UK are 100x more likely to be terrified of coronavirus than Goyim. The poll which ran between 1-2 pm yesterday a randomised sample of Jews and Goyim were asked: “On a scale of 1-10, how afraid are you that coronavirus will result in a shlept-out […]

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