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Appeal: Socks are not just for Xmas

Every year millions of socks are bought as gifts at Christmas. The buyers’ intentions are usually good, to provide a loving home, warm washing machine and regular walks. But a shocking new study has shown that 98.87% of Xmas socks are discarded after only one week. The study was funded by the National Association of […]

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Boris Johnson to appear on Andrew Neil, 13th December

PM Boris Johnson has finally agreed to be grilled by interviewer Andrew Neil, on 13th December. Neil who had previously torn a new anus for Corbyn was supposed to have been providing new cavities for all the leadership hopefuls but until now Mr Johnson had avoided setting a date. Johnson told the BBC today that […]

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Trump runs home crying from creche after other kids laugh at him

US President Donald Trump ran home from the NATO creche crying today after some other kids laughed at him in the playground. Mr Trump (68), reportedly told his babysitter with tears streaming down his face: “Trudeau and Macron were mean to me in the playground today, so I left school early.” He went on to […]

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Greggs new vegan product – including pork pie flavoured vitamins

After the success of its first vegan product, the Vegan Sausage roll, Greggs had promised it was working on a new line of vegan products for poor vegans who can’t afford real food. Greggs is known for its cheap traditional English food that working-class people can enjoy. Last year they made record profits from selling […]

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Climate change activist arrested for giving a shit

Derek Hampton from Hampton was this morning arrested by police at Trafalgar Square in London on charges of ‘protesting in favour of the survival of the human race’. The arrest follows a crackdown against climate change protestors who have been disrupting the public order according to Metropolitan Police head Steve Bastard. “We, of course, support […]

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Jesus facial reconstruction created based on new DNA evidence

We can report an amazing advancement of our understanding of history and religion. Scientists have been able to extract DNA from an ossuary identified as the burial place of Jesus Christ, that famous guy from Church. In an interview with the Daily Jews, chief scientist Dr Sarah Skidlededoop detailed how Jesus would have looked based […]

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Paralysed man: My Robot exoskeleton sucks

Thibault (30) was able to move his four limbs for the first time in two years after an accident left him paralysed. The feat was achieved through mind control following an operation to install robot sensors to his brain. In an exclusive interview, Thibault told us how he prepared for the procedure. “When the University […]

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Thomas Cook CEO: I can’t believe people bought our shit holidays for this long

CEO of failed tour operator Thomas Cook, Craig Rippoff, told the press this week that the whole business was a waste of time since the internet came along. “Anyone who can use google can create their own package holiday for half the price these days. It’s amazing that we got away with selling this overprice […]

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Parliament to resume from Prison tomorrow

Boris Johnson has announced this afternoon that following the ruling that his prorogation of Parliament was unlawful, Parliament will sit again with the first session at Wandsworth Prison. “Given that I and my cabinet have broken the law, we’ve asked the speaker to recall Parliament tomorrow but to sit in prison.” Mr Johnson told the […]

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Report: Consuming water addictive

A new report out from the Ministry of Brexit Obfuscation has found that drinking water is highly addictive. The report used existing data sets around the world, which showed that humans get addicted to water at a very young age. Report writer Bernard Resevour told a packed audience that this problem is more severe than […]

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