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Report: Consuming water addictive

A new report out from the Ministry of Brexit Obfuscation has found that drinking water is highly addictive.

The report used existing data sets around the world, which showed that humans get addicted to water at a very young age.

Report writer Bernard Resevour told a packed audience that this problem is more severe than had ever been previously considered. “Our data shows that children as young as two years old who have been weened are at risk of water addiction”.

“I can’t live without it.” Joanna Gorden told the Daily Jews. “I wasn’t aware of the extent of my addiction until I had my first child. I realised I didn’t want to give birth to a water addict. But it was too much for me, I couldn’t get off it, and the NHS gave me no support. Now I have three children, all addicted.”

Peter File, a former heroin addict, told us that water addiction is far worse than heroin. “If I don’t drink for a day, I start getting severe withdrawal symptoms. After a couple of days of trying to come off it I was in the hospital. They had to put me back on the drug via a drip. Heroin gave me some bad withdrawal, but I stuck it out and have been clean for six months now. I’m afraid I might never be able to kick water.”

The report concluded that it’s possible to be a functional water addict if users are careful to ration themselves.

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