War: Corbyn releases first hostage

Jeremy Corbyn has agreed to give up one of his hostages after being readmitted into the Labour party. However, he has told a press conference tonight that he will be holding on to the second hostage until he has the whip restored.

Mr Corbyn, who was recently suspended from the Labour party after undermining its attempts to stop hating on Jews, had then kidnapped two of Keir Starmer’s children in retaliation. “I have given up the younger child as a gesture of good faith towards Mr Starmer.” Corbyn told reporters outside his Islington house.

When asked if his reaction was a little extreme, he commented: “Not really, my politicals advisors from Hamas tell me this is the most passive response possible and that I should really be torturing them”.

The MP for Islington North will continue to sit in the house of commons as an independent MP although will be working from home so that he can stop his prisoner from leaving until this dispute has been resolve.

A spokesperson for number 10 responded to our request for comment “This is an internal issue, and we will leave the Labour party to fester in their own shit.

ACAS have offered their arbitration services.

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