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Trump runs home crying from creche after other kids laugh at him

US President Donald Trump ran home from the NATO creche crying today after some other kids laughed at him in the playground. Mr Trump (68), reportedly told his babysitter with tears streaming down his face: “Trudeau and Macron were mean to me in the playground today, so I left school early.” He went on to […]

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UK divided over which sack of shit to vote for

A new poll out today by Morris Ipsosovich shows the electorate shifting their votes to the two main parties. The party led by the blue sack of shit is now at 39% with the party led by the red sack of shit closing the lead now up to 32%. We asked voters today how they […]

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Polling company accused of “pro-Jewish” bias

Polling company Ipsos-Mori is being accused of being too pro-Jewish. The claim made by the Federation of Antisemites Sadistic Cunts Islamophobes Sociopaths and Theatre-critics or FASCIST is that Ipsos-Mori is, in fact, a man called Morris Ipsosovich who lives in North Hackney. The FASCIST group went on to say that Mr Ipsosovich was good at […]

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Jewish Chronicles success due to ‘hysteria & fearmongering’ report says

A leaked report from The Daily Jews research department has shown that the online publication is way behind its competitors such as the Jewish Chronicle and the Jewish News. Analysis has shown that the Jewish Chronicle is 1000% more hysterical and 850% more fear-mongering in its articles which explains why it leads the Daily Jews […]

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Dumb and Dumber movie mistaken for UK election debate

A new poll by YouGov has revealed that 200k people watching Dumb and Dumber last night thought they were watching the election debate between Corbyn and Johnson. The pollster said after the film that 51 % of those thought Boris (Jeff Daniels) came out on top, whereas 49% thought Jeremy (Jim Carey) came out on […]

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Tory party to be nationalised under Labour government

Labour party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, today outlined plans to nationalise the Conservative party should they win the election. Mr Corbyn was talking to a forum called ‘Brexit on-the-fencers’ about his plans for maybe or maybe not pursuing Brexit, when he announced the new policy. He told the audience: “For too long, the Conservative party has […]

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Review: Micky Mouse tackles addiction in new Disney+ show

Disney has launched its new streaming service in the USA, Canada and New Zealand with a strong back catalogue of TV and film and original shows such as the Star Wars series ‘The Mandelarion’. Another new show is called ‘The Mouse’ and features a fat, middle-aged Mickey Mouse fighting a crack addiction. The live-action show […]

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Boris promises more floods if northerners don’t vote for him

Following a Cobra meeting today to discuss the crises of flooding in the north of England, Boris Johnson took to the streets to threaten locals into supporting the Conservative party in the elections. The north of England, which has only recently got electricity and running water, has been declared an emergency zone due to heavy […]

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Jewish Chronicle predicts apocalypse if Labour wins election

This Jewish Chronicle (the official sanctioned mouthpiece of the UK Jewish community), has published an editorial warning that the final apocalypse of God will be happening 12 December unless everyone in the UK votes for the Conservative party. “God is angry with the Goyim” the editorial claimed. “Only Boris is the true Messiah who can […]

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Man celebrates completing diet after skipping one meal

David Jason (44) from Hendon, London, is holding a small celebration this weekend to mark the completion of his first diet in 17 years. David told his friends of his relief at being able to eat normally again. “Yesterday I skipped lunch but today I’m really happy I can eat as much as I like […]

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