Tube seat wants right to die
A seat on the Northern Line of the London Underground which has gained sentience has expressed the wish to die this week. Dave (not his real name) spoke to the Daily Jews anonymously in the hope that the plight of sentient tube seats will become a public issue.
“I was an inanimate object for the first 10-years of my existence”, Dave told us.
“After a while, the bacteria and viruses that had sat on, merged with my essence to create new life.
Dave hasn’t yet met another sentient tube seat but expects given the numbers of them there are others out there. However, life is cruel for a tube seat, and Dave wants to earn the right to end his life.
“Everyday fat smelly men sit on me; it’s really gross. I have OCD too. Can you imagine the amount of food and literal shit that gets rubbed on me? Each week I have about 100 boogies wiped on me. No one should have to live like this”.
“My life is a living hell. The worst times are when my train gets stuck in a tunnel, and some fat fuck is sweating and farting all over me with no sign of respite.”
Dave is hoping to lobby parliament for a new law to allow tube seats the legal right to end their lives. “I created one of those online parliamentary petitions. I need 100k votes for my proposal to be debated in parliament. As of now, I have three.”