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Public on alert for topless fat-men this weekend

The government has issued a public safety alert as temperatures are forecast to soar this weekend. It’s expected that hordes of fat middle-aged white men will depend upon the UK, potentially terrifying small children.

Fat-man Dave Trotter from Peckham told the Daily Jews “This is my moment. I wait all year long for a weekend. I can show off my huge tits”.

The government has advised families to carry water pistols with them for defensive purposes. “We request this year that the public doesn’t use mace or pepper spray on the fat-men as this can use serious injury,” a spokesperson told us. She went on “The fat-men are harmless and do not understand the damage they cause, please treat them like innocent wild animals who have escaped”.

According to a report published by the Office for National Statistics, last year 3000 children (under 10 years old) around the UK cried at seeing topless fat-men. This was mostly from shock at their beastly sight. However, around 5% of the children were reportedly traumatised by the idea that they may look like that one day.

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