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JFS pupils four times more likely to get laid than Hasmo pupils

A new study published by the IJPR this week has shown that JFS male students and alumni are four times more likely to get laid than their Hasmonean counterparts.

The study was conducted over 12 years and involved interviews with over 2000 students and former students.

Jewish sociologist Kevin Ben-Hagrid told the Daily Jews that there has been a long rivalry between the two schools. “While the research shows JFS kids get laid more. It also shows that they drive better cars, enjoy more trief food and are better at administering pole jobs”.

However, Professor Ben-Hagrid suggests that Hasmo kids make up for it in other ways. “Hasmo boys actually won the famous egg pelting showdown in 1982. They also historically have a much better knowledge of Yiddish swear words and go on to become better Estate Agents.

The news was greeted with a mixed reception among parents. Some of whom were proud of their JFS boys being sluts. Others called for changes to be made. Rita Wannabe from Edgware son Idan attends JFS. She told us: “I’m worried Idan might catch something and his shmekl might fall off before he gives me grandchildren”.

Rabbi Avery Frummerkazi, the father of Shlomo Frummerkazi who is in year 8 at Hasmonean, was pleased with the research. He told us “It’s all assur. The boys shouldn’t be looking at girls, thinking about girls, touching girls touchas or putting their shvantz into a girls kli rishon or kli shani. None of that until they’re married.”

The paper also shows that alumni of both schools on average get laid less than boys from equivalent local comprehensives but become on average 2.4 times more wealthy.

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