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Boris unveils plans to invade Scotland

Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has announced plans to ensure the United Kingdom stays united. With the prospect of a hard Brexit looking likely, the Scottish government is warning a new Scottish referendum could be triggered.

Mr Johnson responded to possible calls for a new referendum by promising democracy will have its say. “There may need to be a second Scottish referendum”, Boris told reporters yesterday. “I’ve made it clear that I would support that and if the Scottish people decide to leave the UK, so be it. We’ll just have to go to war with them and occupy the country again.”

Asked if a war was inevitable should Scotland vote to leave the UK, Boris said: “Of course not, first we’d starve them with a blockade. We’ll see how long they can go without fried Mars bars. War is always the last option. After we’ve impoverished them, they will probably fall in line, just like how we used austerity to subdue the North of England.”

But the Prime Minister told reporters sometimes the last resort is necessary. “The idiots allowed us to put Trident up there, all I need to do is issue a self destruct sequence, and I’ll take out half of the country. That would shut them up.”

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