Vegan politely asks mice to leave his house
Vegan homeowner, Marcus Smugus, has reportedly asked a mischief of mice to leave his premises or face expulsion. The mice moved into Mr Smugus’ 3-bed terrace house four months ago. They have taken to scratching at wood in the night, eating Smugus’ food and crapping on Mr Smugus’ bed while he’s at work.
Speaking through a translator the leader of the mice, Terrance Batholemew II, told the Daily Jews that there needs to be more awareness in the human world of rights for mice. “Look, as I told my wife last night, I’ve hard it up to here (Ed: points to ears) with these humans who don’t respect mice culture. We were here first. My family lived on this land before this house was even built. If I want to practice my cultural heritage by shitting on a bed, then I should be able to, in peace.”
In response, homeowner Mr Smugus told us he would do everything he can to remove the mice humanely, including working with an accredited mediator to arrange a compromise. “I’m an animal lover, so I haven’t called in the pest control people. I’d prefer if we can settle this dispute amicably.” He told us.
“He thinks that just because he’s not a homicidal maniac putting down traps and poison, that we will just up and move home. Well, I’m not having it.” Terrance Batholemew II told us. He added, “Also, I’ll not tolerate his prejudicial views such as thinking we’re cheese addicts, I can stop whenever I want.”
The current offer on the table is that the mice can live in the garage, have a share of the food and will be allowed bed shitting rights once a week. Law firm Rodentsfeld and Co are reviewing the deal on behalf of the mice. We’ll keep you updated as this story unfolds.