BBC Panorama to expose Labour party Witch-hate obsession
Opinion By Satan Rothschild
Over the past year we’ve heard the line “The Labour party is opposed to all forms of anti-semitism and witch-hate” so many times that many of us hear it in our dreams, usually between the guilty bacon sandwich and the frottage with our mothers. The soundbite even topped the charts when it was sampled by Stormzy for his summer party classic “Shit I Hear On The News But Don’t Understand,” which was the b-side to “I Don’t Know Who Stormzy Is Or What His Music Is Like I’m Just Trying To Be Topical.”
But as much as Labour spokespeople repeat that line like under-employed actors rehearsing for a bit part on a shitty satire website, Jews and Witches alike (and how alike they are!) remain sceptical.
Tonight a major new documentary by the BBC will be investigating the Labour Witch Hate Scandal™. It is expected to open a can of worms so big that a dog would have to eat its own shit seventeen times to fill it. Like any sensible politburo, the Labour party has hired law-and-murder firm Carter Ruck to enforce gagging orders on many of its members. Tom Watson has been observed shuffling from foot to foot so fast that he has dropped three stone in as many weeks. Wes Streeting, Jew-loving MP for Ilford North, was shot through the face in his neighbours’ paddling pool. A skinless sack of meat found hanging from a Westminster lamppost has still not been identified, but no one has seen Dame Margaret Hodge for a while. Even Jeremy Corbyn has become so cagey that he will only answer interview questions with a half-nod half-shake of the head.
But having invited Labour insiders to mental parties full of cocaine and hookers, the Daily Jews can now reveal the true scale of Witch Hate in the Labour party.
According to Brian Torquemada, MP for Aragon and Castile, auto-de-fees have long been the preferred method of winding down after a day canvassing. “The great thing about being out on the streets,” he said while off his tits, “is you come into contact with a lot of young women who may or may not be witches. And there’s nothing like a good river dunking to ease the pressure of a hard-fought by-election. The real fun starts if they float back up.”
Public Relations director Matthew Hopkins, on the other hand, prefers a good old hanging, drawing and quartering. “Well they do tend to drag,” he said, while fingering a prostitute’s anus, “but the quartering part’s worth the wait. Watching those intestines being spooled out. You think they’re about to run out, but it just keeps on coming like it’s a machine at a sausage factory.”
“I love putting cigarettes out on babies’ faces,” said Labour party veteran Ken Livingstone as he plugged his deviated septum with a wad of tissue. “The thing that the general public need to understand is that when you’ve spent your whole life campaigning against racism in all its forms, you’ve got to have someone to hate, and so you pick the least popular person in the room. Usually it’s the one with the biggest nose. I mean, even Hitler, God rest his soul, went to the odd witch burning. Before he went mad and founded the State of Israel.”
The impartial BBC Documentary “Labour Is Bad So Vote Tory Even Though They’re Cunts Who Hate You” airs on the Zionist controlled media this Wednesday.