Scientists invent time travel to kill composer of Hava Nagila

A small team of scientists from the Technion (Institute of Technology) in Israel have invented time travel. The team conceived the project as a way of going back in time to kill Hitler. However, they decided a more pressing matter was to kill the composer of Hava Nagila before it was written.

In 2014 Hava Nagila was voted the worst song ever written by a global panel of top music critics. This information was suppressed from the public.

The song is so bad that in 1989 over 1000 rabbi’s from all religious denominations signed an edict banning it from Simcha’s. Unfortunately, the song persisted for unknown reasons and is still played by antisemites (including Jewish wedding bands) the world over.

Experts believed that the Jewish musicologist, Idelsohn, composed the piece in the early 20th Century. That was until the time-travelling team started their mission.

The team found examples of the poisonous song at fateful times in Jewish history. It appears the Dreyfus affair was actually caused by Alfred Dreyfus incessantly humming the song while in the French army. The French hated the song so much they decided to hang him.

They also found that Shabbatai Tzvi, the 17th-century messianic figure was forced to convert to Islam after the Ottomans heard him singing Hava Nagila in a bid to shut him up.

Before this, the medieval crusaders were leaving the Jews along on their way across Europe. Having heard a shtetl Simcha singing the song, they decided to slaughter all the Jews they found to eradicate the hateful tune from the world.

The team tracked the song back to the year 69AD in Jerusalem. A group of Jews who wanted to end the war with Rome peacefully, sung the song leading to a group of zealots breaking away driven into a murderous rage by the sound. The Sicarii, as they became known, went on to murder hundreds of Romans and their Jewish sympathisers directly leading to the destruction of the Temple.

The song played a significant part in biblical events, including irritating Moses so much that he smashed the first set of the ten commandments.

The team travelled all the way back to the Garden of Eden (which turns out to be in a car park in Essex). They discovered the song was embedded into the forbidden apple. Once Adam bit into the Apple, the song and it’s evil was released into the world.

Realising Satan’s evil plan, the time travellers committed suicide.

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