Shock as new research shows Jews living north of London

The Institute for Jewish Policy and Research this week released a new report which shows that there are Jews living north of Watford.  A spokesperson for the Board of Deputies told the Daily Jews that an emergency summit will be held to plan fundraising and an aid package for these people who are now being classified as refugees.

Cities including Liverpool, Manchester and even Newcastle are reported to have clusters of Jews who probably escaped London because of property prices (have you seen the cost of a five-bed house in Hendon? gevalt!), ending up in these deprived cities, with no hope and limited access to smoked salmon.

Morris Cohen a new resident of Birmingham told us “first Hendon got too expensive so we moved to Edgware, then Edgware became too expensive to we moved to Borehamwood, then on to Shenley etc.  Before we knew it we were living in Birmingham, it’s a slippery slope. It’s not that bad other than we don’t understand anything anyone ever says to us, we’re requesting funding for a translator”.

Hendon Ladies Guide are putting together Food parcels to send up north and a community-wide request has been put out asking people (who are brave enough) to drive up the M1, past the Watford Gap, to deliver the aid which includes Vitamin D tablets to counter the lack of sunlight.

Rumours are that Chabad will be sending out Rabbi’s to council the refugees and provide them with basic services like Tefillin, Bagels and Citroen C4 Spacetourer 4×4’s.

According to sources at the BoD, the long term plan is to relocate the refugees to South London, whilst this is not ideal in terms of access to Jewish infrastructure and services, the mental wellbeing and lower house prices are a priority.

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