International committee of experts finally reveal the difference between Reform and Liberal Judaism

Guest writer: Professor Jewface

An international commission set up 20 years ago to investigate the difference between Reform and Liberal Judaism has finally revealed the findings of its deliberations.

Speaking in front of a packed auditorium in Geneva, Professor Jurgen von Jurgenson stated: ‘After twenty years of intense study by 300 experts from 50 countries, our international commission can now definitely reveal the difference between Reform Judaism and Liberal Judaism.’

After a tantalising pause, the Professor announced: ‘Liberal Judaism is the same as Reform Judaism, but a bit more shit.’

Speaking immediately after the ceremony, Rabbi Danny Rich of Liberal Judaism responded: ‘We are delighted that the esteemed commission has recognised our distinctive tradition of being like Reform Judaism but a bit more shit. This is, after all, what Claude Montefiore and Lily Montagu were aiming for in their 1905 pamphlet ‘A Slightly Different form of Judaism’’.

But there was some consternation from Rabbi Laura Janner-Klausner who issued a terse statement that explained: ‘Frankly, we thought that having an entire organisation whose sole purpose us to get me onto the Today programme puts clear blue water between us and the Liberals. Danny Rich hardly does any media at all. The bastard.’

A spokesperson for Leo Baeck College challenged the findings “our own reports which were submitted to the committee found that whilst Liberal Judaism is a bit more shit than Reform Judaism, the Rabbi’s in reform Judaism are on average 2.6% sexier than those in Liberal Judaism. We find it troubling that this was not included in the report”.

Following the ceremony, Professor von Jurgenson announced the formation of a new commission to investigate the question: ’The Federation: what’s the fucking point?’ 

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