White Smoke Arises From Federation Headquarters: “Mir Hobn A Poypst”

Hamodia writer, Nosson Horo, brings us the latest from the Hareidi community

Heimishe Yidden have begun a month of celebration of the appointment of the new Av Beis Din and Rov of the Federation, HaGaon R Shraga Feivel Zimmerman, Shlita To The Moon And Back.

After weeks of feverish speculation as the Beis Din were locked into 65 Watford Way until they made a decision, there was jubilation in the Ganse Skver from delighted crowds at the traditional announcement.

As a gesture of special celebration, the “KF Kosher” hechsher will be projected into the sky by lasers after Bircas HaLevona this Motzei Shabbos, although rumours of a festive cut in hashgocha rates have been quickly scotched R”L.

However, it was confirmed that, anticipating a huge increase in questions, Federation Shailatext has had its resources tripled. The Rov, who was, in his own words “minding my own business in Monsey” when he was headhunted for the throne of Gateshead, has enjoyed a glorious 11-year reign as the undisputed leader of Torah Yidden in the UK.

He has displayed enormous humility in graciously consenting to serve at the pleasure of the Federation and a ‘bas kol’ confirms that he looks forward to extending his shitah throughout the land.

Chief Rabbi Ephraim Mirvis was amongst the first to pay tribute to the appointment of the new Rov. “As the leader of the Yidden-who-are-not-yet-shomrei-Shabbos community, I acknowledge the significant threat that they face from gatherings such as ‘Limmud’ due to their religious illiteracy R”L and look forward to benefiting from the Rov’s unflagging support.” 

It has not yet been confirmed yet whether Sefardische Senior Rabbi Dweck, who received tochecho from the Rov due to his support for alternative “lifestyle choices”, has been granted an audience. However, R Ahron Bassous shlit”a, recently appointed by R Ahron Bassous shlit”a as the authentic spokesman for the Sefardische kahal, showed his holy zeal and emunas chochomim by attempting to break through a ring of security guards in order to see how the Rov tied his shoes. Not all were so delighted, with delegations of hardliners from Manchester and Stamford Hill furiously signing pashkevilin denouncing the Rov’s disturbing policy of handing child abusers over to the malchus. 

The UOHC were approached for comment, but were unable to agree who should give it, except that it should not be Shraga Stern.

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