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Nations pets going ‘doolally’ over lockdown

An investigation by the Daily Jews has found that pets around the UK are going doolally during the lockdown. 89% of dogs we surveyed, 65% cats and 50% of Gerbils reported they we’re sick and tired of seeing their owners 24×7.

Ronny the Rotweiller told us he loved his owner but really wants him to die from Covid-19. “Please for God’s sake, put my out of my misery by taking this man from me,” he told us. “I used to see him 3/4 hours a day. We’d have a nice walk, he would d stroke me for a bit, and I’d be left to sleep the rest of the time when he was at work, it worked well for us. Now, it’s all the fucking time. He won’t leave me alone. Even when he’s wanking, I have to be with him. Enough already”.

This problem is also blighting the cat population. Bubbles the Tortoiseshell from York has not been let out of his ‘owners’ one bed flat for the past three weeks. She explained that she has taken to guerilla warfare to win her freedom. “I’m being strategic here; I have a plan to make life harder for my human progressively. I started by scratching him more when he strokes me, then I added some biting, and now I’ve moved on to pissing in his bed every day. Another week of this and I’ll be free.”

Fluffy, the poorly named Hamster, told us her life has not changed much since the lockdown went into effect. “The children got bored with me after two weeks of buying me from a shitty pet shop. It was just their annoying friends that would come round and poke me every so often. That’s all stopped now. The Adult usually remembers to feed me.”

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