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Heineken Virus has led to zero deaths so far

Following the news announced last week that Heineken are launching their own virus to compete with Corona, initial testing has shown the zero % fatality rate.

The team at Heineken labs have been injecting test patients with 200ml of Heineken a day and other than some sickness and headaches, the virus has yet to cause any major symptoms.

“We’re disappointed with the results”, Head Scientist Dr Beaker McMuppet told the Daily Jews. “Corona has managed to develop a product that kills around 2% of people who catch it but so far we’ve just seen 90% of our test group get wankered.”

The virus is so far inert and doesn’t replicate but Heineken will be working on that in the second phase as Dr McMuppet explained. “First we want to make the virus stable, then we will work on infecting other people. However, the prototype we have does make people more likely to punch others if they look at them the wrong way.”

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