Local churchgoers shocked to discover Jesus was Jewish

Congregants of a local Church of England parish in Swinford, Kent, are in collective shock after their priest informed them that Jesus was actually Jewish.

Reverend Richard Dingsbottom, who has served the parish for over 40 years, told the Daily Jews he couldn’t hide the truth from his flock any longer. “I was reading a section from Luke, where Jesus visited the Temple when one of my parishioners asked the question, why Jesus would worship in the Jewish sanctuary. I realised at this point that the jig is up. I had to reveal to them the truth that we have been hiding for 2000 years, Jesus was a kike, a red sea pedestrian, a front-wheel skid…”

Chairwoman of the Church Sandra Fishsmell told us the community was shocked into making immediate changes. “The first thing we did was to update the effigy of Christ above the altar. We gave him a giant nose and a Jewfro.

Now when I’m at home picturing Jesus in my mind, I imagine Howard Jacobson”.

Martha Fucha, an Italian immigrant to the community, told us her faith was shaken to the core when she found out. “So many questions came into my head. Was Jesus circumcised? Was he rich like all the other Jews? We know Jews are responsible for his death. Does this mean he killed himself?”

“I feel cheated” Martin Sandwich, another parishioner told us “although, some things are starting to make sense. The son of God being a Jew explains how they run the world.”

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