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World hipster council rules beards no longer hip

The international council for hipsters and beatniks (founded in 1965) has announced this week that beards are no longer in fashion.

The council which has delegates from 45 countries meets annually to discuss if something is ironic enough. There are then votes to decide what the global community should be wearing, owning and doing to remain non-conformist.

Last year the council voted to ban bandana’s on dogs which caused hipster dog owners to panic buy doggie hair clips as replacements.

The vote against beards extends to moustaches, but goatees and van dykes will be acceptable although revisited at next years plenary session.

Charlie Spiderweb (28), a hipster from Hackney, told us he had had trouble getting an appointment at his £150 an hour barber since the announcement. “There are only 37 hipster barbers in Hackney, and they were all booked up for three months within an hour of the council decision. A non-hipster friend of mine suggested I shave myself, but the fool has no idea about hipster rules. If we start shaving our own faces, the hipster economy could tank. Who then would shop in my store which sells 1920’s typewriters and designer man-bags?”

David Yardstick (35), a hipster hater from Walthamstow, told the Daily Jews the news brought him a great sense of relief. “I had to shave my beard off a decade ago so I’d not be confused with those fucking hipsters. Now I can look like a dishevelled hairy monster again”.

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