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Natalie Portman to become professional Hammer Thrower

Movie star and every Jewish man’s wet dream, Natalie Portman, has announced that she will be retiring from acting to take up track and field. Ms Portman, who is tragically happily married, will be focussing on Hammer Throwing as her sport.

In an exclusive interview, she talked to the Daily Jews about her inspiration and motivation. “I had really had enough of all these geeky Jews leering all over me, especially after my appearances in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Every zitty, 30-50 year-old Jewish guy is obsessed with me. Usually, they live in their parent’s basement and play role-playing games most of the time. I realised that if I went into sports, none of them would be watching me any more”.

The actress was attending San Diego Comic-Con last weekend (on Shabbos even) when she announced her career change. “To be honest, I hadn’t really decided until that weekend. Then this guy Steve Shwartz came and told me his room is covered in my photos and his mom is worried he will never meet a girl that would live up to me. I realised then that this couldn’t go on any longer”.

Ms Portman went on to explain that she hopes to reach out to a new type of fan. “I’m really hoping that much hotter guys, who are not as dorky, start fantasising over me. You know the muscly, sporty types. That would really make it all worthwhile.

Portman hopes to be the first Jew in the world to be good at a sport, apart from Chess which doesn’t count.

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