Climate change too depressing to solve says UN
The UN has published a new report on catastrophic climate change which claims that addressing the problem is just too depressing. The document introduction says “We’ve gathered together over 500 peer-reviewed papers on climate change and included the latest news reports which suggest that humans are now ingesting more than 5 grams per week of plastic and that the IceCaps are basically gone 50 years earlier than thought. Our conclusion is that humanity only has five years to change course but that ultimately it’s all a bit too depressing for us to deal with.”
A further study released alongside the new report has shown that people involved in battling climate change are 95% more likely to get ‘bummed out’ than those not working on climate change. The report continues “the effects of working on climate change are just too depressing for us to continue, we give up”.
The UN is now advising member countries to divert funding that had been earmarked to climate change prevention towards new programmes to help people get high on drugs. The UN head of climate change, Dan Peterson said “given the chances of anyone finding a solution to climate change, before they kill themselves due to depression, we’re now recommending world governments to liberalise and subsidise drugs such as cannabis, ketamin, meth, wizz, skunk, cheese, blitz and all the other good shit”.
In response to the report, President Trump said, “this is good news for the American oil industry who can confidently ramp up production until humanity dies out in 2067”.