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Jews recover from Rosh Hashana hell

Millions of Jews around the world started their recovery from the annual cruel and masochistic festival of Rosh Hashana today.

Children as young as two months old were among the survivors of this year’s barbaric two-day festival where people were forced to spend long periods in depressing shul services and the rest of the time locked in with family.

“No one should have to spend this much time with family”, Golda Hertzel from Hendon told the Daily Jews. “Even overeating for 48 hours couldn’t dull the pain of spending all this time with my children and grandchildren. I really hate them now”.

Solomon Dreyfuss told us he attends shul three times a year, and it’s still too much. “Every year, I forget how bad it is as a try to bury the memories from the previous year. The Rabbi told us we’re all evil and the Chazan dragged the service out so long people died of boredom. The two of them are doing the devils work. Such suffering, I think I should become a Mormon.”

Sora Mendlech told us she’s sometimes mistaken for being pious. “People saw me shaking after the services. They thought I was a pious woman showing my yiros shomayim (fear of heaven), but I was simply terrified, thinking about having to do this all again next week.”

“My goishe therapist asked me why I put myself through this every year”, Yacov Grinder told us. “It’s simple, I told him, I hate myself”.

Jews all around the world are now preparing themselves for next week where they get to starve themselves in a desperate attempt to try and lose some of the weight they put on over Rosh Hashanah.

Mr Dreyfuss told us “I’m hoping that I faint early on Yom Kippur, maybe slip into a short coma, so I don’t have to go through another 25 hours torture by that evil Chazan again.”

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