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Remains of oldest known Wanker discovered in a cave in Cheshire

Archaeologists this week announced an exciting new discovery, the oldest known Wanker, found near the remains of the famous Lindow Man.  

Jizzer Jim, as he is being called, was found preserved in ejaculate leading anthropologists to conjecture that he may have been the recipient of a large, ancient bukake ceremony.

Analysis of the bones in his wrist showed signs of wear and he possibly died of a heart attack during climax based on the distended jaw bone and the shape of the bones on his face.

Crude drawings on the cave walls were also uncovered showing what appears to be several new sexual positions, including one involving trepanning alongside an image of what appears to be a naked woman bending over next to a plumber.

Historians are seeing this as a major breakthrough in backing up their theory that men in Iron Age Britain were a bunch of tossers.  

Although there were several large waves of immigration dramatically adding to the gene pool between the Iron Age and modern times, it is speculated that tosser genes have been dominant and were present in historical figures from Henry VIII, Jack the Ripper, Oswald Mosley all the way to Boris Johnson today.

DNA samples have been shipped to a lab in the USA and will be matched against Donald Trump’s to see if this finding could explain the current state of US politics.

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