Shidduch Crisis is ‘fake news’ cries whistleblower

By Guest writer; Yossi Sephardiker

A leading shadchan has released details of a secret campaign by shadchanim around the world to profit by making us worry needlessly (as if we didn’t have enough to worry about already). 

Rabbi Shnitzelburger, who until last week presided over the Global Network of Venerable Industrious Matchmakers (GNoVIM), speaking from his modest yacht with full time chef and shomer onboard, said “I just couldn’t lie anymore, it’s time for me to tell the emes.” 

“There never was a crisis, we made it all up “

The rabbi tells how GNoVIM organise themselves to maximize profits, explaining “a chasuneh is an expensive thing, the hall, the catering, the ring, the band, oy the price of herring these days!. Anyway, we take a percentage of everything. If they don’t like it, we just cancel the shidduch, simples.”

He went on to explain how their monopoly depends on making sure that young men and women can’t ever meet without supervision. “By the time they get into the shidduch market, they’ll marry anyone”. “So we stand in the way, making it look really difficult.”

We asked world famous wedding singer and badchan Donny Schein for comment, but he was unavailable, his wife reports “he’s down at speakers corner ranting some narishkeit”.

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