‘R’ rate for Cummings memes now below 1, government confirms
A press release from Number 10 this morning announced the news that the R rate for memes relating to Dominic Cummings breaching of lockdown is now below 1. The news will come as a relief to Prime Minister Boris Johnson who has been hoping people will just “shut the fuck up” about his Chief advisor […]
BoD advising PM on taking confused immoral leadership stands
Reports have emerged this morning that Board of Deputies president, Marie van der Something has been coaching Boris Johnson over the Cummings Covid-19 debacle. Mr Cummings is the senior advisor to Boris Johnson and masterminded his unlikely win over Jeremy Corbyn at the general election in 2019. He was recently caught breaking the lockdown rules […]
Covid19: Ministers told to curb their charisma in daily briefings
Downing Street advisors have warned the Prime Minister that the daily Covid-19 briefings presented by senior ministers may be too charismatic, according to a leak from Number 10. The unnamed advisors are reportedly concerned that the public may be misled into thinking the government gives a shit about people, which could be why the Tories […]
Cable Street descendants immune from racism and being bonkers
Following the arrest this weekend of conspiracy nut and Piers Corbyn, brother of former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, the Institute for Baseless Studies (or IBS) has released its long-awaited report on the descendants of people who fought the fascists at Cable Street. The Battle Cable Street was fought in the east end of London by […]
IDF prepares preemptive strike against Yachad HQ in Syria
Following extensive meetings with Mossad HQ in London aka the Board of Deputies, the IDF is preparing a preemptive strike against Yachad operatives in Syria. “We’re fighting this proxy war run by the real enemy, Yachad UK, and we will hit targets anywhere necessary to protect Bibi, I mean the State of Israel,” An IDF […]
Interview: My spirit animal wanted me to get rich – Part 1
Sparkles McMuffin (68), psychic healer to the rich and famous tells us about her gift and how the universe wants her to be stinking rich. Daily Jews: When did you first realise you had ‘the gift’? Sparkles: I was eight years old, and out shopping with my father. I tried to steal a shiny fake […]
Pornhub staff given ‘key worker’ status
As the lockdown continues to bite and the prospect of a complete reversal looking less likely this year, the UK government has issued new advice designating Pornhub staff, and it’s content creators ‘key worker’ status. The upgraded status will mean that Pornhub staff and creators will be allowed to leave the house to do their […]
Covid19: Highgate man distraught he has to shop in Tesco
A man from Highgate, who has asked not to be named for fear of retribution by his neighbours, has spoken of the pain he has felt in having to shop in Tesco due to the pandemic. The man told us he has been shopping at Waitrose and Marks and Spencer for his groceries for the […]
Nations pets going ‘doolally’ over lockdown
An investigation by the Daily Jews has found that pets around the UK are going doolally during the lockdown. 89% of dogs we surveyed, 65% cats and 50% of Gerbils reported they we’re sick and tired of seeing their owners 24×7. Ronny the Rotweiller told us he loved his owner but really wants him to […]
5g causes Coronavirus
Experts on the internet have confirmed that 5g is the cause of the novel Coronavirus. Researches around the world pooled their talents and, we’re able to prove that every time someone makes a phone call using 5g, an elderly person with underlying health conditions dies of Covid-19. Dave Cullings from Portsmouth who works in a […]
