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PM Johnson calls for General Erection

With news today that the EU has agreed to a three month Brexit delay, Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has called for a General Erection to be held 12th December 2019. Mr Johnson told reports that a massive erection involving the entire UK is the only way to get Brexit done. “What we really need now […]

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Greggs new vegan product – including pork pie flavoured vitamins

After the success of its first vegan product, the Vegan Sausage roll, Greggs had promised it was working on a new line of vegan products for poor vegans who can’t afford real food. Greggs is known for its cheap traditional English food that working-class people can enjoy. Last year they made record profits from selling […]

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Letter: Thank fuck it’s over – joy at end of Jewish festivals

Dear Editor, I’m a 67-year-old Jewish woman living in Bushy. I have two children and three grandchildren. I wish they would just fuck off now. It’s been weeks of Jewish festivals. I’ve made enough food to kill an army. At this point, if I see a roast chicken, I gag. I mean, who thought of […]

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Frum Friday – Top 10 chumras from our readers

We asked our extra pious readers what they do to go above and beyond keeping Mitzvot: Yitzchok – North Hendon: On Shabbat, I don’t go to the toilet thus avoiding tearing toilet roll. I now have bowel cancer Mirriam – Stamford Hill: I walk around naked on Shabbat to ensure I don’t accidentally carry something […]

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Boris receives medal from Galactic Princess for saving Brexit

PM Boris Johson updated the cabinet on his overnight work this morning. A leaked memo reported the following: Legions of rebel forces and civilians from the four corners of the galaxy travelled to a faraway land today to watch Chewbacca, Luke Skywalker and Boris Johnson receive medals from Princess Leia. The medals were awarded for […]

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Interview: Family describe how their £45k Sukkah connects them with nature

We sat down with the Rosenberg family from Hendon to discuss what the festival of Sukkot means to them. Daily Jews: Thanks for having us in your Sukkah, can you tell us how you built it Charles Rosenberg (father): You’re welcome, please have some chopped herring. As is traditional, we spent £45,000 on an extension […]

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Government plans death sentence for those blocking Brexit

In a last-minute gambit by Prime Minister Boris Johnson, the government is proposing instituting the death penalty for MP’s who vote to block Brexit. Mr Johnson announced the new measures at a press conference this morning. He told reporters, “I vowed to get Brexit done by 31st October by any means possible, and I meant […]

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Climate change activist arrested for giving a shit

Derek Hampton from Hampton was this morning arrested by police at Trafalgar Square in London on charges of ‘protesting in favour of the survival of the human race’. The arrest follows a crackdown against climate change protestors who have been disrupting the public order according to Metropolitan Police head Steve Bastard. “We, of course, support […]

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Jesus facial reconstruction created based on new DNA evidence

We can report an amazing advancement of our understanding of history and religion. Scientists have been able to extract DNA from an ossuary identified as the burial place of Jesus Christ, that famous guy from Church. In an interview with the Daily Jews, chief scientist Dr Sarah Skidlededoop detailed how Jesus would have looked based […]

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New Smartwatch ensures you’re always fashionably late

A new smartwatch has been released by Frapple that claim to make geeks 10% ‘hipper’. The watch which has a calendar feature has a variable clock on it which is never 100% right. Watch designer Gerhart Twohands told the Daily Jews that the concept is to confuse users into being late. “I used to set […]

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