Jewish Chronicle too expensive for some antisemites
For many people in the UK Jewish community, the Jewish Chronicle is a Shabbat treat. But spare a thought for people who can’t afford it and have to use regular toilet paper. The problem is worse for thousands of poorer antisemites across the UK who rely on the Jewish Chronicle to spin their conspiracy theories […]
Public on alert for topless fat-men this weekend
The government has issued a public safety alert as temperatures are forecast to soar this weekend. It’s expected that hordes of fat middle-aged white men will depend upon the UK, potentially terrifying small children. Fat-man Dave Trotter from Peckham told the Daily Jews “This is my moment. I wait all year long for a weekend. I can […]
Rabbis agree Trump is Messiah
After President Donald Trump revealed himself as King of the Jews, the Union of Orthodox Rabbis put out a statement they accept him as the Jewish Messiah. “We were waiting for an old fat racist to come along, he is the true Messiah.” The statement read. The statement continued: “Clearly his assertion that the Charlottesville […]
‘Farter’ decries move to open plan office
An office worker in Tottenham this week has threatened to take his employers to court over their proposed move an open plan office. The office worker, Dave Scott, told the Daily Jews that the move was an infringement of his human rights. “As a loud and frequent farter, I often feel society judges me when […]
Local council votes to live in fantasy world
Hackney Council yesterday voted to live in a world where Boris is not PM. and everything is just fine and dandy. A statement from the council read: “Following several important town hall meetings; we decided as a council that the world is fucked. Some of the contributing factors to this being, the pending no-deal Brexit, […]
All no-deal Brexit experts “wrong” says Gove
Minister for Brexit clusterfucking, Michael Gove, today spoke to an exclusive audience of wealthy, fat, white men. He told them that all the experts who are predicting no-deal Brexit problems are wrong. Mr Gove was speaking at a special meeting of the Tory bastards club and wanted to assuage any worries they might have. He […]
Why did you become vegan?
A question that vegans never get asked is: ‘Why did you become vegan?’ So the Daily Jews decided to interview a bunch of vegans for you and here’s what they told us: Shiela, a fashion designer from Hackney: “Animals are ugly, I don’t eat ugly” Kent, an artist from Chelsea: “So I can be all […]
Corbyn generously offers to become PM
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, last night offered to become PM to solve the Brexit crisis. The generous offer to replace the UK’s first clown Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, comes despite his repeated efforts to ensure this would never happen. Mr Corbyn has employed a dual strategy of allowing antisemitism to fester in his party and […]
Last person to claim PPI checks into psychiatric asylum
The last person in the UK to have not claimed PPI, Robert O’Dear from Lincolnshire, has been identified. Mr O’Dear has reportedly checked into a private psychiatric facility to deal with the trauma of receiving 300 calls a day. The calls come from the three remaining claims companies who are hoping for a taste of […]
Mel Gibson to remake Fiddler on the Roof
Mel Gibson is to produce, direct and star in a remake of Fidler on the Roof. Despite his history of antisemitism, the actor is “definitely not antisemitic”, according to his agent. The remake will reimagine the story and set it in 1st Century Judea. Tevyah will be a local Jewish priest who sees Jesus as […]
