Climate change activist arrested for giving a shit
Derek Hampton from Hampton was this morning arrested by police at Trafalgar Square in London on charges of ‘protesting in favour of the survival of the human race’. The arrest follows a crackdown against climate change protestors who have been disrupting the public order according to Metropolitan Police head Steve Bastard. “We, of course, support […]
Jesus facial reconstruction created based on new DNA evidence
We can report an amazing advancement of our understanding of history and religion. Scientists have been able to extract DNA from an ossuary identified as the burial place of Jesus Christ, that famous guy from Church. In an interview with the Daily Jews, chief scientist Dr Sarah Skidlededoop detailed how Jesus would have looked based […]
New Smartwatch ensures you’re always fashionably late
A new smartwatch has been released by Frapple that claim to make geeks 10% ‘hipper’. The watch which has a calendar feature has a variable clock on it which is never 100% right. Watch designer Gerhart Twohands told the Daily Jews that the concept is to confuse users into being late. “I used to set […]
Paralysed man: My Robot exoskeleton sucks
Thibault (30) was able to move his four limbs for the first time in two years after an accident left him paralysed. The feat was achieved through mind control following an operation to install robot sensors to his brain. In an exclusive interview, Thibault told us how he prepared for the procedure. “When the University […]
Mourners gather to remember when Jewish Chronicle was good
The controversial group who said the Kaddish prayer for Palestinians killed during the ‘March of Return’ has turned their attentions to the Jewish Chronicle. Observing that the Journalistic integrity of the newspaper has nosedived over the past few years. The loose-knit group of young Jewish activists will be holding a 24h vigil outside the Golders […]
Jews recover from Rosh Hashana hell
Millions of Jews around the world started their recovery from the annual cruel and masochistic festival of Rosh Hashana today. Children as young as two months old were among the survivors of this year’s barbaric two-day festival where people were forced to spend long periods in depressing shul services and the rest of the time […]
Thomas Cook CEO: I can’t believe people bought our shit holidays for this long
CEO of failed tour operator Thomas Cook, Craig Rippoff, told the press this week that the whole business was a waste of time since the internet came along. “Anyone who can use google can create their own package holiday for half the price these days. It’s amazing that we got away with selling this overprice […]
Labour conference votes to let antisemitism fester for another year
As the Labour Party conference came to a close this year, delegates were involved in a robust debate on antisemitism. A motion was passed to, yet again, only partially address antisemitism in the party and to let it rot some more. The motion called on Labour to do little more on antisemitism. “Antisemitism is a […]
Attorney General: I am a fucking knob head
Attorney General Geoffrey Cox has defended the legal advice he gave to the government which suggested prorogation was legal. He did, however, admit to being a “fucking knob head” in an address to Parliament. “I’m not sorry about anything. The Prime Minister was justified in lying to the Queen and the public, and I am […]
Parliament to resume from Prison tomorrow
Boris Johnson has announced this afternoon that following the ruling that his prorogation of Parliament was unlawful, Parliament will sit again with the first session at Wandsworth Prison. “Given that I and my cabinet have broken the law, we’ve asked the speaker to recall Parliament tomorrow but to sit in prison.” Mr Johnson told the […]
