Gerrer Rebbe: “Halloween is Jewish”
A top Chassidic Rebbe has declared Halloween a Jewish festival after discovering a Sefer (document) describing how Moshe Rabbeinu (Moses) would dress up as a Witch and scare local children when B’nai Yisrael (the children of Israel) was wandering the desert. The newly discovered tome shows how the younger children of Israel would ask for […]
Local Jewish sports team delighted to have taken part
North West London Jewish sports team Maccabi Somethingorother has played a game this week. Manager and Head coach Asher Garfunklavich told the Daily Jews he was delighted his team had taken part. “They say it’s the taking part that counts, it’s true”, he told us.” The team are in a league with other teams who […]
Massive erection special – taking a look at the candidates for PM
As MP’s vote on which day a general erection will happen, the Daily Jews takes a look at the leaders of the main parties who could become PM. Boris Johnson (Conservative Party) – The clue is the name, but can Johnson have a good erection? He promised to deliver Brexit by 31st October ‘No matter […]
PM Johnson calls for General Erection
With news today that the EU has agreed to a three month Brexit delay, Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has called for a General Erection to be held 12th December 2019. Mr Johnson told reports that a massive erection involving the entire UK is the only way to get Brexit done. “What we really need now […]
Greggs new vegan product – including pork pie flavoured vitamins
After the success of its first vegan product, the Vegan Sausage roll, Greggs had promised it was working on a new line of vegan products for poor vegans who can’t afford real food. Greggs is known for its cheap traditional English food that working-class people can enjoy. Last year they made record profits from selling […]
Letter: Thank fuck it’s over – joy at end of Jewish festivals
Dear Editor, I’m a 67-year-old Jewish woman living in Bushy. I have two children and three grandchildren. I wish they would just fuck off now. It’s been weeks of Jewish festivals. I’ve made enough food to kill an army. At this point, if I see a roast chicken, I gag. I mean, who thought of […]
Frum Friday – Top 10 chumras from our readers
We asked our extra pious readers what they do to go above and beyond keeping Mitzvot: Yitzchok – North Hendon: On Shabbat, I don’t go to the toilet thus avoiding tearing toilet roll. I now have bowel cancer Mirriam – Stamford Hill: I walk around naked on Shabbat to ensure I don’t accidentally carry something […]
Boris receives medal from Galactic Princess for saving Brexit
PM Boris Johson updated the cabinet on his overnight work this morning. A leaked memo reported the following: Legions of rebel forces and civilians from the four corners of the galaxy travelled to a faraway land today to watch Chewbacca, Luke Skywalker and Boris Johnson receive medals from Princess Leia. The medals were awarded for […]
Interview: Family describe how their £45k Sukkah connects them with nature
We sat down with the Rosenberg family from Hendon to discuss what the festival of Sukkot means to them. Daily Jews: Thanks for having us in your Sukkah, can you tell us how you built it Charles Rosenberg (father): You’re welcome, please have some chopped herring. As is traditional, we spent £45,000 on an extension […]
Government plans death sentence for those blocking Brexit
In a last-minute gambit by Prime Minister Boris Johnson, the government is proposing instituting the death penalty for MP’s who vote to block Brexit. Mr Johnson announced the new measures at a press conference this morning. He told reporters, “I vowed to get Brexit done by 31st October by any means possible, and I meant […]
