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Boris receives medal from Galactic Princess for saving Brexit

PM Boris Johson updated the cabinet on his overnight work this morning. A leaked memo reported the following: Legions of rebel forces and civilians from the four corners of the galaxy travelled to a faraway land today to watch Chewbacca, Luke Skywalker and Boris Johnson receive medals from Princess Leia. The medals were awarded for […]

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Interview: Family describe how their £45k Sukkah connects them with nature

We sat down with the Rosenberg family from Hendon to discuss what the festival of Sukkot means to them. Daily Jews: Thanks for having us in your Sukkah, can you tell us how you built it Charles Rosenberg (father): You’re welcome, please have some chopped herring. As is traditional, we spent £45,000 on an extension […]

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Government plans death sentence for those blocking Brexit

In a last-minute gambit by Prime Minister Boris Johnson, the government is proposing instituting the death penalty for MP’s who vote to block Brexit. Mr Johnson announced the new measures at a press conference this morning. He told reporters, “I vowed to get Brexit done by 31st October by any means possible, and I meant […]

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Climate change activist arrested for giving a shit

Derek Hampton from Hampton was this morning arrested by police at Trafalgar Square in London on charges of ‘protesting in favour of the survival of the human race’. The arrest follows a crackdown against climate change protestors who have been disrupting the public order according to Metropolitan Police head Steve Bastard. “We, of course, support […]

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Jesus facial reconstruction created based on new DNA evidence

We can report an amazing advancement of our understanding of history and religion. Scientists have been able to extract DNA from an ossuary identified as the burial place of Jesus Christ, that famous guy from Church. In an interview with the Daily Jews, chief scientist Dr Sarah Skidlededoop detailed how Jesus would have looked based […]

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New Smartwatch ensures you’re always fashionably late

A new smartwatch has been released by Frapple that claim to make geeks 10% ‘hipper’. The watch which has a calendar feature has a variable clock on it which is never 100% right. Watch designer Gerhart Twohands told the Daily Jews that the concept is to confuse users into being late. “I used to set […]

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Paralysed man: My Robot exoskeleton sucks

Thibault (30) was able to move his four limbs for the first time in two years after an accident left him paralysed. The feat was achieved through mind control following an operation to install robot sensors to his brain. In an exclusive interview, Thibault told us how he prepared for the procedure. “When the University […]

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Mourners gather to remember when Jewish Chronicle was good

The controversial group who said the Kaddish prayer for Palestinians killed during the ‘March of Return’ has turned their attentions to the Jewish Chronicle. Observing that the Journalistic integrity of the newspaper has nosedived over the past few years. The loose-knit group of young Jewish activists will be holding a 24h vigil outside the Golders […]

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Jews recover from Rosh Hashana hell

Millions of Jews around the world started their recovery from the annual cruel and masochistic festival of Rosh Hashana today. Children as young as two months old were among the survivors of this year’s barbaric two-day festival where people were forced to spend long periods in depressing shul services and the rest of the time […]

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Thomas Cook CEO: I can’t believe people bought our shit holidays for this long

CEO of failed tour operator Thomas Cook, Craig Rippoff, told the press this week that the whole business was a waste of time since the internet came along. “Anyone who can use google can create their own package holiday for half the price these days. It’s amazing that we got away with selling this overprice […]

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