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Corona vaccine causes autism, hair loss and a sore bottom say people who want to be first in line for the vaccine

The team behind the Oxford coronavirus vaccine today released data showing the efficacy and safety of their product which has completed phase II trials. However, a new group called ‘vaccines for people who don’t believe in stupid conspiracy theories’ has warned that the new vaccine has many side effects, including making everyone hate you if […]

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Daily Jews to launch rival to 40 under 40

The Daily Jews are pleased to announce it’s launching a much less ageist version of 40 under 40, entitled ‘Worst Jews’. ‘Worst Jews’ will list the top 40 awful people currently active in the Jewish community. We’re currently taking nominations with early nominees being: Stephen Bollard, especially since the JC was ‘rescued’ Grant Shapps, for […]

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‘R’ rate for Cummings memes now below 1, government confirms

A press release from Number 10 this morning announced the news that the R rate for memes relating to Dominic Cummings breaching of lockdown is now below 1. The news will come as a relief to Prime Minister Boris Johnson who has been hoping people will just “shut the fuck up” about his Chief advisor […]

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BoD advising PM on taking confused immoral leadership stands

Reports have emerged this morning that Board of Deputies president, Marie van der Something has been coaching Boris Johnson over the Cummings Covid-19 debacle. Mr Cummings is the senior advisor to Boris Johnson and masterminded his unlikely win over Jeremy Corbyn at the general election in 2019. He was recently caught breaking the lockdown rules […]

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Covid19: Ministers told to curb their charisma in daily briefings

Downing Street advisors have warned the Prime Minister that the daily Covid-19 briefings presented by senior ministers may be too charismatic, according to a leak from Number 10. The unnamed advisors are reportedly concerned that the public may be misled into thinking the government gives a shit about people, which could be why the Tories […]

Piers Corbyn arrested for being a nutter

Cable Street descendants immune from racism and being bonkers

Following the arrest this weekend of conspiracy nut and Piers Corbyn, brother of former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, the Institute for Baseless Studies (or IBS) has released its long-awaited report on the descendants of people who fought the fascists at Cable Street. The Battle Cable Street was fought in the east end of London by […]

Proposed annexation of Jordan Valley

IDF prepares preemptive strike against Yachad HQ in Syria

Following extensive meetings with Mossad HQ in London aka the Board of Deputies, the IDF is preparing a preemptive strike against Yachad operatives in Syria. “We’re fighting this proxy war run by the real enemy, Yachad UK, and we will hit targets anywhere necessary to protect Bibi, I mean the State of Israel,” An IDF […]

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Interview: My spirit animal wanted me to get rich – Part 1

Sparkles McMuffin (68), psychic healer to the rich and famous tells us about her gift and how the universe wants her to be stinking rich. Daily Jews: When did you first realise you had ‘the gift’? Sparkles: I was eight years old, and out shopping with my father. I tried to steal a shiny fake […]

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Pornhub staff given ‘key worker’ status

As the lockdown continues to bite and the prospect of a complete reversal looking less likely this year, the UK government has issued new advice designating Pornhub staff, and it’s content creators ‘key worker’ status. The upgraded status will mean that Pornhub staff and creators will be allowed to leave the house to do their […]

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Covid19: Highgate man distraught he has to shop in Tesco

A man from Highgate, who has asked not to be named for fear of retribution by his neighbours, has spoken of the pain he has felt in having to shop in Tesco due to the pandemic. The man told us he has been shopping at Waitrose and Marks and Spencer for his groceries for the […]

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